Happy Birthday

THE ?PRESIDENT
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
ASO ROCK AND VOLCANO.

Dear Sire/ Emperor,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOODLUCK JONATHAN

I don't particularly feel guilty that I've never rated you and that I never voted for you. I will tell my grandchildren about one of my greatest feats in life which is never voting for you.

I'm sorry that your Ibom syndicate couldn't quite orchestrate an elaborate birthday present for you last night; they didn't know that the South Africans were going to smuggle  OluRantie through the airport when they could have in fact singled him out for stringent ebola screening. They also underestimated the preoccupation of the legendary retrograde Ikotun seer with frustrating a coroner's inquest.

I'm sure you were in a sense unhappy hence the request for an urgent national assembly versus Central police games. I was very impressed that the cops won the projectile category but they were no match in the obstacle course and high jump category. I'm only glad that there was no follow-up resuscitation drill at the attending national hospital ER. I was in Abuja the last time there was an Intra-national assembly combat games. One of the combatants for the Ette house went into cardiac arrest from all his exertion and the resuscitatorscouldn't revive him. It's clear that this generation of reps are remarkably very fit and can withstand even harsh conditions.

I'm sorry I cannot send you a gift, it is even difficult for me to say a heartfelt prayer of blessing for you. Notwithstanding, I want to request that you help me look through the WAYEC list of the Chibok high school for any girl whose birthday is also today or around this week. If you find any, kindly help me buy a card and address it to her with any worthwhile gift of your choice. Don't be offended that I'm sending you on an errand but I realised that NIPOST is unreliable and the last time you had your media chat, you kind of agreed that over 200 girls were taken for an excursion to the Sambissa botanical garden and you affirmed that you knew their exact GPS location and the postcode to that vicinity.

Thank you in anticipation of a favorable response and regards to your wife, when is she going to share mattresses and tomatoes to my region?

Yours not lying,

Joa.