EXTERNAL MEMO

EXTERNAL MEMO

                                                22nd September, 2014    

                

Dear Jacob Z,

I want to congratulate you on the successful and prompt evacuation of your very injured citizens from planet Ikotun/ Egbe where UFOs prowl the skies. I was very impressed by what I saw on a Nigerian network's coverage of a convoy of security operatives and ambulances that took the injured away from the airport. it looked like a scene out of a movie; you should encourage South African film makers to utilize such quality facilities to improve their feature films subsequently.

I must however implore you to instruct your minister who addressed the press to take a chill pill. I heard him tell the press that the rainbow nation is awaiting reports of the investigations into the cause of the collapse by the Federal Government of Nigeria in order to plan your next line of action. I want to advise you to focus your energies to other more pressing issues regarding your mines and issues of violence and crime. The truth is that there is not going to be any report from any investigation. Just to give a heads up on this; the president of Nigeria has already been on the scene and has expressed his sadness and regret which I think should suffice for now. He will give you a call later to brief you extensively. The black box from a DANA air plane which crashed a while back was damaged by fire so I think the black box of that building would already be damaged from carbon monoxide poisoning as it is buried deep under the rubble.

You need not sweat over the conflicting figures regarding the dead, they really do not mind yielding their souls for the prosperity of the kingdom. Our press men are reporting whatever will make you look responsible here in Nigeria; they will even post their reports online so South Africans can read about your rapid response and the fact that you sanctioned the largest ever evacuation of fellow citizens from anywhere in the world. This reportage only requires less than 200pounds per head to sustain.

It is imperative that I warn you about more serious complications that have and may result from this untold disaster. You have evacuated 25 people that need to be quarantined and observed for features of ebola. I understand one of the initial 26 earmarked for evacuation returned to the location of the incident. I want to suggest a complete psychological evaluation and radiographical investigations of all the 25. You have to mandate your doctors to watch out for withdrawal symptoms and post-traumatic stress disorder. You may have individuals who would need restraints and sedatives to prevent them from returning to Lagos.

I can confirm to you that a certain individual who now sees UFOs has purposed in his heart to visit your great nation every month as a follow up to this tragedy. Prevention is better than cure dear Jacob. Stopping a fuel money distributor setting fire on your nation would be far cheaper than evacuations like this in future.

I do not think it is fair to disturb your brother Goodluck with unnecessary questions when he is busy doing it. He has elections on the horizon and also has insurgents probing. Do you have elections coming or do you have rebels at your borders or in Lesotho? Last time I checked, your policemen are doing great when faced with striking miners. Do not worry about the dead, you will get their bodies soon. Do make good use of the 9.3 million dollars in your possession to offset the cost of medical care and the jet fuel used to evacuate the injured. You can keep the plane that  brought the dollars too for renting purposes; it is too anointed to crash.

I commisurate with all of South Africa in this dark period. 

God bless Nigeria, God bless South Africa.

Yours truly,

Jide A (a concerned Nigerian citizen)

Jac Z,
 http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/

In other news...

Vardy should be called up for England

Some people are glorying in their prophetic aunction like anything is new under the sun. The English press are praising the Leicester striker like he is the best thing since sliced bread; won't be surprised when they start calling for a call up to the English squad for the former Fleetwood striker. Just imagine if that was Suarez or Ashley young who took a plunge in the box like that. Martin Keown kept talking about how foolish Rafael was to concede a penalty even after he saw replays during the game; na him get him mouth sha. The events favor them and all who choose to ignore the facts. what goes around...It is Manchester United's turn now, the press always sell their stuff irrespective..

A certain group of people have been yabbing Benjamin Adekunle for war crimes. I want to suggest that they visit the Lagos airport and pull down the name sign at the top of the airport. They need to exhume the body of Gen Muhammed so he can stand trial for the Asaba massacre. They also need to exhume Gen. Shuwa's body to stand trial as well. TY Danjuma, Babaginda, Gowon and Obasanjo are still very much alive; they need heavy insults and curses directed at them before they die. It will not be fair if they start getting talked about behind their backs later on. Buhari already gets more than his fair dose.

Ah yes...

Saw a report of the minister of works' visit to Lagos. After 15 years of democratic rule, the Federal government has just realised that the Apapa road is their responsibility and that people live "permanently" under bridges in Lagos. He claims that drastic action will soon be effected to teach those responsible for the eyesore in Lagos a massive lesson. Sadly, these ones under the bridge will get some relevant infracstruture to vote for the PDP on Valentine's day.

JOA

22/09/2014